#1 Introduction

I don't really know how to introduce myself. I don't know who's listening, who found this, or why. But I hope we share something I can use to relate to you, depth. Sometimes I feel like I overcomplicate things where simple answers could have sufficed. But people don't really understand the need to be right do they? The unbridled necessity is incomprehensible to those whose words have no stake. I don't know where it comes from, but I'm glad to have this eye for seeing things as whole. From all perspectives. Without interference of my own biases. And that's somewhat of a nice introduction I could've thought of to start off this rather discontinuous series of me talking to the internet in bursts when I remember I have this medium to voice out what I'm thinking instead of typing in my notes app. Where I'm at and where I'm going. Well there isn't really a metric for enjoying life is there? But still, to quantify a slaves existence we'll have to measure his productivity. And as of now, I'm actually pretty productive, the past few months have been progressive in multiple ways, although externally it may not look that way. For instance, did you know how monumental it was for me to realize I don't really have pressure for earning money as soon as possible and that I can rely on my parents till I figure out what I want to do with my life? The realization that maybe instead of trying to earn thousands and living in this short term dopamine cycle, I could focus my efforts on completing the online IIT Madras BSc. in Data Science degree, as well as doing well at my college, in turn setting myself up for a job that would give 100x the returns in one go than I could've possibly achieved doing something sub-optimal (like freelancing websites). I do have new problems with my life now, but honestly I'm grateful none of them increase my cortisol as much as trying to manage 4-5 clients did. Problems only exist if you want them to. They're this self-imposed contract with yourself to want to have life a certain way and being unhappy till it is that way. Although my life is looking sorted right now with a lot of progress in college, online degree, freelancing a (just one) website and self study of math, stats, machine learning, computer graphics, the problems I have now come in very different shapes. I could not have these problems if I stop expecting more of myself but to get to some place never gone before I would have to do things in some unorthodox way, and enjoying the journey does not seem to be one of these ways. I feel happy that I am doing something I've always dreamed of. Back in 2020 I used to literally do what I'm doing right now. Playing with computer graphics, simulations, machine learning, linear algebra, teaching myself everything, and now I get to do that with a more polished brain. Yet, there's an emptiness in fulfilling expectations. The expectations that some day these efforts will materialize in external rewards. And that connection I have insufficient knowledge to make right now. Which results in lack of extrinsic motivation which I've grown to like and want in order to be a functioning human in society. Without which I would just be a boy playing around for fun right? I'm not sure what the answer to that is. How will whatever I'm doing benefit my future self? How do I overcome the fear of wasted effort? Do I know someone who can give me this reassurance? Someone in the shoes I want to be in? Not really. How do I push through and continue working and studying and learning something where the feedback loop is basically non-existent? Even if it exists, I don't really care for it. I mean, college grades, who gives a shit? I feel like I've transcended that a long time ago. Literally no other external reward exists that could validate my efforts. Let me tell you how I put in efforts in something. I'm watching a lecture in the IIT Madras Degree playlist, I come across something I don't understand. I open three new tabs: Claude, YouTube, Gemini. I search that topic on YouTube, I grab ALL the links and paste them in Gemini for summaries. I get more context, I watch some more videos. I learn the topic in isolation. I go to Claude, I type the topic in, explain. In the explanation, WHATEVER I don't know, I will ask again, recursively. I go from A->B->C->D like a breadth first search until I have exhausted the entire sub-tree of topics linked to it. Then I go back to the lecture, more educated than the professor, and watch it as a rehearsal / recuperation rather than learning material. Who in their right minds would go to such lengths? I honestly don't know what good it's going to do for me. To learn with such depth. And that's exactly the problem I face right now. How do I, either turn this autistic exploration cycle off OR link this to being beneficial in the long run? I would really love to end this post with some nice conclusion but no, you also get stuck with me on this question now. Until next time, Neil